Lesson 24: Love makes you stupid.

Ok, maybe not stupid. But really, really vulnerable. What choice do we have? When you fall in love with someone, you’re basically giving them your heart saying:

“This is now yours – I’m trusting that you won’t do anything intentional to break it.”

It’s then their responsibility to treat it with care. Like my favorite Spiderman quote “With great power comes great responsibility.”

You expect that person to now protect you, and your heart. And, to care enough about you and your feelings to let you know if they no longer want that responsibility.

I do agree that most of our pain comes from expecting too much, but I don’t believe you can or should expect less than that. When someone has been honored to hold your heart – it’s a gift.

When someone uses that gift to hurt you, are you to blame for trusting them?

I honestly don’t have an answer.

I’ve been searching for that, along with the lesson to this experience, for a couple weeks now. Haven’t found either yet.

What could the lesson possibly be? Never to trust someone again? Not to trust my feelings? Or believe in love? To settle?

I can’t do any of that.

I can, and will, move forward. I have to. Because I will not let someone else’s bad behavior define me, or my life. And I hope I will find real, lasting love. Soon. I know I deserve that. We all do. But at the moment I just feel like a moron.

I don’t trust myself. I’m doubting all of my instincts – at work, with friends – everywhere really. It’s amazing how something like this can shake your confidence.  I don’t feel like I know anything about much of anything. I hope that doesn’t last.

Here’s what I do know. That loving someone the way I loved him is the greatest experience we’re granted as humans. It’s why we’re here.

I know far too many people who have settled for less – either because they haven’t had the opportunity to experience it themselves, don’t believe it exists, don’t want to be alone, or don’t want to risk getting hurt – and I wouldn’t change places with them. I wouldn’t have missed great love for the world, even with the heart-wrenching pain I’ve felt in losing it.  And if loving someone makes you stupid, I guess this smart woman is man enough to admit she was duped. I always see the best in people, it’s part of what attracted him to me to begin with.

And if he used that to hurt my open, loving, beautiful heart for his own selfish gain – well then he’s the idiot.  Not me.