And by “here” I don’t mean Fire Island. It’s beyond beautiful here. Not just the beaches and the quaint towns. But I’ve honestly never seen so many attractive people in one place. It’s sort of incredible. And overwhelming.
No – by “here” I mean thinking and feeling something I never thought I’d be thinking and feeling. I mean the ugly headspace I am in, here on beautiful Fire Island, and the hopelessness that I feel here. That life has somehow passed me by and I made a really wrong turn somewhere and can’t seem to find my way back…
After a lovely day at the beach and cocktails with a few girlfriends, I called my mom to let her know how the weekend was going. I started to cry and couldn’t stop.
I absolutely HATE being single anymore. I just don’t want to do it – I can’t. I’d buy my way out if I could. Something about this weekend just put me over the edge. Being single, after 35, has begun to feel like a life sentence. I just can’t figure out what my crime was.
I never imagined I’d be saying these things. My motto has always been “never settle” followed quickly by “everything happens for a reason.” But I’m slowly starting to find less and less comfort in those beliefs. Especially as I look around the room on any given night out and see the two worlds in which I don’t belong.
I honestly don’t know a pain greater than that of wanting something so badly in your life, yet feeling powerless to make it happen. I sometimes wish I could find the thread to pull at, the thing I could work on or fix that would make me “more appealing” and attract my soulmate. But I’ve been “working” on myself for quite a while now. It’s a bit embarrassing, in fact. All this time (and money) lavished on my own self-actualization: therapy, Kabbalah, dance lessons, yoga, meditation…
No wonder sometimes the fear takes over and I just have to cry.
So I did. And thanks to my 2 fabulous friends, I felt better afterwards. In fact, I cleaned myself up, went out and even met a nice boy.