I’m still not 100% clear on what that blog should be “about,” but since our writing class’s esteemed teacher claims we don’t need an “about,” I’m going to start without one.
I’m amazed again tonight at the wisdom and insight that I’m gaining from the people who are coming into my life. In particular, my young roommates.
They may be young – and this new one is not even legal to drink – but they remind me of who I am, and who I was. And of who I want to be again.
Andi may only be 20, but her passion, certainty and confidence in herself is inspirational. And reminds me of me.
She’s strong, confident and knows she has a lot to offer anyone in this life. She also knows that if someone doesn’t treat her well, he doesn’t deserve to be with her.
Those lines used to be so very clear to me too, not so long ago. But with experience, and pain, comes questions. And questions bring doubts. Am I too rigid? Not tolerant enough? Too reactive? Am I asking for too much?
I still honestly don’t know the answers. But I realize that what matters is that I’m asking them. Not that I discard completely who I am and how I live my life. But that I consider how I choose to respond to situations – not merely react to them.
Listening to Andi tonight made me wonder if my doubts about myself are the product of how things turned out, and less about my decisions. Things didn’t go the way I’d hoped – or more to the point: the way I’d planned. I learned I have no control. Had the outcome been different, I’d still be sure about my way of handling things. I’d be defiant and more certain.
I like the softness these past 2 years has brought to my life – it’s made me more accepting, more tolerant and empathetic. Others have noticed and like it too. And I’m grateful for that. But I don’t want to lose the girl I was in the process. I don’t deserve to be mistreated: lied to, left or misled. I was right to leave. I was just wrong to think it would make him fight to get me back.
I know I should brush Andi’s spirit off as naïveté, but I don’t. Instead it inspires me. And it brings me full circle to what I’ve always believed to be true: you’ve got to be yourself.